Difficult Behavior and The Art of Communication By: Dr. Rick Kirschner, The Art of Change, LLC

Who are the people you can’t stand, and what is it you can’t stand about them?  My guess is that they're the people who don't do what you want them to do, and do what you don't want them to do, and you don't know what to do about them.

If you're fed up with laziness, frustrated by bullies, disappointed in human nature and tired of losing, don't despair.  Instead, remember that you always have a choice. Four choices, actually.  The most common choice is to stay and do nothing, and that includes suffering and complaining.  If you ever find yourself miserable over the behavior of another, or complaining to someone who can’t do anything about it, realize you are making the least effective choice.  A better choice might be to leave, to turn around and walk away. Not all situations are resolvable.  And some are just not worth it.  Cutting your losses remains a viable option when dealing with difficult behavior.  But you have two other options that are far more productive, and these choices constitute The Art of Communication. Change your attitude, and then change your behavior.

You can change your attitude, and thus stop suffering, by learning to look, think and feel differently about difficult behavior, and recognize that it’s not about you, even if it has your name attached. Because, in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "You're no one's victim without your permission."  And you can change your own behavior, so that the difficult people will have to deal with you.  Changing your behavior won’t ‘change’ your difficult person.  They’ll still be who they are and do what they do.  But as surely as some people bring out your best and others your worst, you have it within you to be one of the few who can bring out the best in others at their worst. It’s often a simple matter of knowing how to stabilize yourself, understanding where they are coming from, and knowing where you want to go.

PUSHY PEOPLE

What can you aim for with pushy people?    You must command their respect, or they'll roll right over you.  An acquaintance of mine, Martin, had a new boss who misjudged his working style. On his third day at work, Martin found himself under attack.  He simply made eye contact, kept breathing and waited for the insults to stop. Then he asked...."Is that everything?"  His boss loaded up another round and fired it off.  Then Martin asked, "Anything else?"  It wasn’t long before his boss had run out of accusations.   Martin simply said, "Well, if that's all, I'm going to get back to work now." He did, and left behind a flabbergasted boss.  The battle, and the war, had been won, and without putting up a fight.

So remember your goal, stay committed and flexible, and when the smoke clears, you'll not only have won their respect, but will have retained your own.

COVERT ATTACK

Sometimes, a strong willed person can't control a situation, and may even have to deal with someone else being in control.  If that person doesn’t know how to win friends and influence people, he or she may resort to a covert operation. But a covert operation is impossible if there's nowhere to hide.  Your goal with covert operations is to bring them out into the open.

If you want to bring a hidden agenda or grudge to the surface, try repeating a nasty remark and then ask for relevance, as in “What does that have to do with this?” or for intent, as in “What are you really trying to say?"  If they decide to answer your question, listen, and help them to express their grievance fully.  But if they deny it, let it go.  You’ve done your job. Through time, they’ll come to know that you’re going to expose their bad behavior every time they engage in it.

NEGATIVE PEOPLE

I recommend that you listen to negativity with paper and pen in hand, to help you keep track of the main complaints.  Then, ask negative people for a realistic direction.  What can be done?  If they don’t know, assign or suggest a specific, written, information-gathering task with a completion date. If they take a close enough look at the problem, the solution may become evident, even to them

WISHY WASHY PEOPLE

Vague people avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs, even if that means saying what they think you want to hear, or putting off decisions because they don't want to risk hurting or upsetting anyone by telling an uncomfortable truth.  Your goal, obviously, is to get them to make and keep commitments, and your starting point is making honesty safe.

Bring conflicts to the surface, and then help vague people sort out their choices, make their plans and decisions.  If you are willing to invest the time and patience necessary to guide people safely, a few times, through a process of clear thinking, in time they will become dependable members of your team who would never dream of dropping the ball or letting you down.

THE CONCLUSION

Sometimes it does seem that difficult people are holding hope hostage to helplessness. But I say that people always have a choice.  You can make things happen, watch things happen, or ask, "What happened?" In the end it’s entirely up to you.

WEBSITE:
http://www.TheArtofChange.com

BIO: Dr. Rick Kirschner delivers artful presentations on organizational, interpersonal and personal change

A bestselling author and speaker, Dr. Rick Kirschner invites you to Master The Art of Change.  Rick delivers artful presentations and a powerful approach to dealing with change that unlocks creativity, enhances team communication and increases commitment.  He creates his programs using a palette of attitudes, behaviors and skills that anyone can learn and employ, and helps his audiences find the personal motivation to do the important work of creating today for a better tomorrow. 

1988, Rick was one of only 15 people selected by the Tom Peters Group to present Tom's "Excellence" and "Chaos" programs.  Rick now speaks to 15,000 people a year with such diverse clients as ALA, AT&T, Barnes-Jewish Hospital, Heineken, Swiss Village Leadership Camps, Toyota, and the U.S. Army and National Guard.

Rick is an author or coauthor of 7 audio/video series, and 5 books, including the international bestseller Dealing With People You Can't Stand and his most recent work, Love Thy Customer.

He is an Institute for Management Studies faculty member, and a sought after resource on conflict, the changing workplace, and life quality issues by the Wall Street Journal, Executive Excellence, and Success Magazine, as well as NPR, CNBC, Associated Press and USA Today.

Editor: Marianne M. Lawhead (mlawhead@sheastokes.com) (This publication is the property of the Atlanta Association of Legal Administrators. Reproduction or reprint without prior permission is strictly prohibited. Click here to request reprint permission.)

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